I Hate What I Am
by hyperbole77
Summary: Familiar scenes from the book series, written as short drabbles of thoughts from Leah's head. Please review :
1. Part I

Disclaimer: All characters, plotlines, etc. belong to Stephanie Meyer.

Author's Note: It's been a long time since I have written a piece of fanfiction, but this popped into my head and demanded to be written. I hope it's not too bad. Please review!

**Leah Clearwater One Shot:**

**------------------------------------------------**

I hate what I am.

And what I am is a werewolf.

And, do you want to know what werewolves in general have cost me?

First of all, they stole my Sam.

Sam was mine and I was his. And then they just… _stole_ him away from me. Just like that.

One minute he was there, sitting on the couch with me watching a movie, tantalizing me with secret kisses to my cheek every time my parent's watchful eyes wandered in the opposite direction. He left my house that night, both of us feeling so happy and lucky because we belonged to each other.

That was the first and last time Sam ever told me he loved me.

He had started to drive away, before swerving into a quick U-turn and pulling back up my drive. He jumped out of the car, ran over to me, grabbed my face and gave me a long sensuous kiss before whispering, "I love you, Leah."

And then he left and never came back.

Sure, two weeks later he showed up at school and acted like he had never left at all. But, he was never my Sam again. He was jumpy, he skipped school all the time, and he never smiled anymore.

Second of all, they stole my best friend.

My mom knew how miserable I was about Sam's sudden behavior change. To get me out of my funk she asked Emily to come up for a visit. Emily was more than just my second cousin, she was my best friend. She was the first person I called when things were going so well I couldn't stop smiling, and she was the only one who get me to smile when things were going badly.

And what happens? Emily is in La Push no more than fifteen minutes when Sam finally bothers to stop by and see me, feeling guilty for the way he'd been treating me, and imprints on her.

Of course, I didn't know it then. But I caught the gist of what happened – Sam and Emily fell in love at first sight. Emily pleaded with me to forgive her, and I did. It wasn't necessarily her fault. She was kidnapped.

Sam wasn't mine anymore, but as much as I hate to admit it, I was still his.

Then, they stole my brother.

He transformed into a werewolf, just like Sam and some of the other reservation boys, and that became the greatest priority in his life. Everytime he talked, it revolved around the pack and traditions, and the myths, and _how feaking cool_ it all was. He was so proud of being what I hated. It was a great big adventure for him. He's so young and immature, he doesn't see them the way I do.

And he wasn't Seth anymore, he was a werewolf. And worse of all, he knew that, and it didn't bother him at all.

And then they stole me.

The day I first felt the ripping sensation in my body, and saw the way my figure metamorphosized into the terrible creature I was, it was as if I was being ripped from my body. I finally put a face to what I hated these past months. It was my face. The face of a wolf.

That face had cost me Sam, Emily, and Seth. I hated that face. I hated myself.

The greatest loss came after my descension into hell.

Then I loss of my father.

When he looked at the faces of what used to be his children, his heart ripped from his chest the way my body had ripped from my self...

But he couldn't be trained to transform back.

And neither can I.

God, I _hate_ what I am.


	2. Part II

**Part II.**

The first time was an accident. When Sam came by the house to help me and Seth transform back into our human forms, I didn't realize my thoughts were not my own. The stolen kisses, the vow of love, the imprinting… all of it flashed through my mind as he explained my brother and I's damnation.

All of it.

How Sam cringed.

The first time was an accident, the second was to relish the look on Sam's face.

I was never a bitter girl. I was never intentionally cruel. But I'm only...

I felt bad after the second time, and for a while I made sure to edit my thoughts in my wolf form.

Every time a movement of Sam as a wolf reminded me of his human grace, I stopped myself from imagining the way things used to be.

Every time I circled an area where Sam and I had picnicked together, or snuck off to have a moment to ourselves, I stopped myself before the memories could play out in my mind.

And every time Sam thought of Emily, instead of me, I stopped myself from thinking about that moment when their eyes met.

Until the third time.

There's only so much a girl can take, right? I tried to be good for the first week, and I felt so lost and alone. Nobody asked me if I was alright. Nobody asked what it was like for me to be in his head. I was ignored. I guess they figured, "if we don't address the fact that she's here, maybe it will be like she isn't".

I wanted to prove that I was worthy of their attention.

I wanted to prove I was just as good – no, better than – Emily.

The pack valued strength and power more than Emily's pretty looks and stupid muffins. I would prove to them I was better.

So I made them notice that I was there. I thought about things, took control of their emotions.


	3. Part III

Author's Note: I structured this part a little bit differently. I figured most people have the gist of this scene memorized, and by not describing it in great detail, only showing what goes through Leah's head, is more powerful. Please give your opinions, good or bad. :]

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**Part III.**

Did those leaves just rustle? Is everyone here?

There's Jacob and Quil and Embry standing by the fire with the big burly one. The blonde one is sulking over there by the trees. Sam is walking over to Carlisle and his wife, and the short one is hunched in a corner with Jasper. That makes all the bloodsuckers accounted for, and it looks like the rest of the pack is by the fire.

It just rustled again, I better check it out.

What the hell! We missed one of those stupid young bloodsuckers. Should I call Sam? No. I don't need him.

I've never needed him.

Take him by surprise, a jab to the side. Yes! That move worked! Just like that… just like the bloodsucker said.

Was that another rustle?

…

WHAT THE _FUCK_!

Oh my God, he came out of nowhere.

Oh my God.

Jacob.

_**Sam, SAM! Jacob's hurt, bring Carlisle. Look at him, Sam, he looks bad. Oh my God, the angle of his leg. Go faster, run, goddamnit!**_

_**Let me finish off this bloodsucker!**_

_**Guys I got this!**_

_**Ok, fine, ready? I'll take his left with Quil, Paul and Embry take him from the right and we'll surprise him. Jared get ready to finish him if he gets through our lines. We'll close him in; he'll be too panicked to fight. Ready? GO!**_

…

_**Perfect plan, huh? Worked like a charm. **_

_Yeah, too bad you didn't think of it before Jake had to save your ass._

_**Shut up, Quil!**_

_Guys leave her alone. Head back to La Push as soon as you can, more bloodsuckers are coming but they know the Cullens, so there's no danger for them-_

_**Unfortunately**_

_-they can't see us, though. I got Jake to phase back. I'm going to phase, now, too. _

I going to phase, then run. I don't want to be a wolf any longer than I have to.

Keep that vision of him out of your head.

My stomach can't handle this. I'm going to be sick.

All my fault. All my fucking fault.

Why can't I leave this pride behind? I have to prove to them I'm worthy of their attention. I want their admiration. No, I don't care about their admiration, actually. All I want is their respect. But if that is the cost of their respect…

Nope, I'm done. I'll sit quietly and be good, and wait for this all to go away. Sooner or later, the bloodsuckers will change Bella and we'll attack. And then they'll be gone, and things will go back to normal.

Maybe, if he isn't a wolf anymore, he won't be bound to Emily.

Maybe he can finally be mine again.


End file.
